When He Finds Out
by LovinaVargas33
Summary: Feliciana cuts, relishes in the pain. And when Ludwig and Lovina find out a heartfelt story is told. Any more and I would ruin the story! Gerita, Spamano, Prucan. Warnings cutting scenes not smut
1. Chapter 1

I watched the blood flow.

The pain was delicious.

I lifted the blade from my wrist and placed it on the sink next to me.

I watched the blood form small pockets then slide to the right into another and another and another then, as the large droplet slid to the right and off my wrist and into the sink below.

Again and again it repeated, for minutes, possibly twenty went by.

I placed the cloth of pure alcohol on my wrist and let the pain set in. After the initial burn and shock to my system was through, I wiped at it and wrapped my wrist tight. Again relishing in the burn.

I washed the blade, a carpet knife replacement blade, and laid it above me on top of the medicine cabinet where Ludwig won't find it. I took the blade from the package he bought me to cut up old canvases with. He won't know its missing.

I pulled my tank top on quickly as I heard the front door open and close.

"Herzchen?"

I shut my eyes, "Merda."

I pulled a hoodie on to cover my arm and wrists.

He wasn't supposed to be home for the next few days. He and Gilbert, high-ranking officers in the Army, were supposed to be out in Berlin for another week. Gilbert, Ludwig's brother, has a new girl who just moved back to her native country, Canada, so Ludwig was supposed to take time out of his vacation time with me to help train the new recruits. Now he's home a week early.

I pulled the sleeves down over my hands and tussle my hair. The counter seemed to be screaming to me, "Hit me, Slam your wrist here! Feel the pain, the delicious pain."

My actions were faster than my thoughts, I watched as my wrist connected with the edge of the granite countertop. Tears welled in my eyes as the sting of the strike set in. I quickly wiped my eyes and walked down the stairs as Ludwig called again.

"Feliciana? Are you okay?"

I prepped myself on the second to last step. Happy and cheerful, that's all. I stepped down the last stair.

"Luddy! I missed you!" I jumped up into his arms and he spun me around.

"What was that thud? Are you okay?" Ludwig asked, very protective of my well-being and all that. So I lied a bit.

"I hit my arm," not a lie. "It really hurt," _but I liked it_. "I cried a bit and heard you call again, so I hurried down," no I didn't. "And I composed myself before I came all the way down," I did. So I didn't lie too much… but then again, I didn't tell the whole truth.


	2. Chapter 2

Later, while making dinner I heard Ludwig talking on the phone. I assume it is just Gil, seeing as most of the conversation was in their native language, German. A few times I swore I heard my name, or a swear; I wondered what they were talking about.

"Verdammt! Fine Gil! I will go, I will drop everything I have been working on here: the house, the bills, Feliciana, everything! I hope you are happy! We may never get a whole month to just ourselves," he exploded. His sudden out burst made me burn my palm on the pot of boiling water I was making spaghetti in. I screamed and ran to the bathroom hunting for my vial of lavender. I dropped a few drops across my hand where the burn had started to blister. I heard Ludwig quickly hang up and come to find me.

"Feli? What did you do this time," he sniffed the air smelling the lavender and sighing. "the pot jumped out and grabbed you didn't it?" He offered a weak smile in consolation for his weaker joke. "I'm sorry if I startled you with my yelling at mein Bruder. He is such a Dummkopf!" He sighed and calmed down a bit then noticed that I was not worried about the pain. I was in reality letting it sink in and relishing in the sting since I wouldn't be able to watch my blood pool in the sink since Ludwig was here. He stared at my face and then cupped my cheeks.

"Feliciana? Are you okay? You just burnt your hand and you are smiling, do you need me to finish dinner for you," he questioned. I had no idea I was smiling, or why but I waved it off saying I loved the sent of Lavender. Ludwig led me to the kitchen and set me down at the bar and went to finish cooking what was left of dinner.

I laid my hand flat on the bar and then clenched it into a fist. The burn radiating up my arm and then disappearing when my hand went limp from to much force. I clenched again and then let it fall limply to the tabletop over and over again. Soon Ludwig had finished making the spaghetti with lots of instruction, but he did do a good job. He questioned me though dinner about my hand: should we go to the hospital, do you need pain killers, are you sure you are okay and not in shock. Things like this remind me how much he loves me. After assuring him that I was fine he brought up what had caused this delectable pain, or mess as he called it.

"I'm leaving," he states. His fork has been laid silently to the edge of his plate, like a little ramp to the table. He quietly wipes his mouth with the napkin he had laid on his lap. He now attempts to fold it and gives up. only to throw it to the middle of his plate and standing. The dining chair makes an awful scraping noise as it grates against the wooden floors. The chair is propelled back to the wall a mere three foot where Ludwig now stands before his place. I gasp as the chair clatters into the wall then to the floor with all the force from him just standing so abruptly.

"I'm leaving," he repeats. His tone is quiet, almost crying but very reserved. I let my head fall forward and set my fork across my plate. He walked out of the room in typical army fashion, very fast, very orderly, no comfort for me. Just like every other fight, walk out go and go get drunk with strippers.

I sat there quietly, waiting for the front door to open and slam shut. It never did. Instead his army boots marched up the stairs and across the floor to our bedroom directly above the dining room and kitchen. His boots clatter against the hardwood floors above me to the right, to the middle of the room. over into the closet on the right and back to the middle of the room, where the bed sits.

Then it hits me. He really is leaving. He walked to the dresser and pulled out socks and underwear, then to the closet for shirts, pants and his army duffle bag. He walked around the room presumably picking up things he would need; several sets of clothes, boots, socks, underwear. He walked out of the bedroom to the bathroom just above the next room. I hear him stop in front of the sink and open and shut a few drawers dropping things into his toiletries bag.

I picked up my plate and silverware from my place and walked it casually to the kitchen and opened the dishwasher. I neatly placed the glass plate in the bottom rack and the silverware in its container on the door of the dishwasher. I calmly walked back to Ludwig's dishes, _'He left the table he must not want to eat,'_I reasoned.

I picked up the silverware and laid it on the plate just as I go to pick the plate up I hear the medicine cabinet open. At first I think nothing of it, he has a prescription for his headaches and anger management. If he leaves he needs to take them with him.

_'If? What am I thinking! Of course he wants to leave me! I am clumsy and not by any means German. I am frail and weak, not to mention give in to everything anyone says. Even his brother scares me, and Gil is the most fun person I know! and his friends- they hate me! They tell him he needs an army girl not "look what I found washed up in Italy!" Just great.'_

I stood in the kitchen humming a quite tune, a new popular song from Korea. It blew up around the world and it is quite catchy. Around the chorus of the song, or what can be called the chorus, I heard a crash above me. Thinking it was nothing, _'Maybe he tripped,'_I thought. I heard his boots walk away from what was most likely a huge mess and into the bedroom. Then I heard him come down the stairs quickly, to quickly. I turned just in time to see him come around the corner and stand at my only possible exit to make it to the bathroom quick enough.

I know why he came down so fast.

He walks a little closer and holds up the one thing I dreaded him finding.

My blade.

My cutting blade.

He holds it between his first finger and thumb at the very bottom so that the point of the blade stands straight up in the air.

"Was ist die Bedeutung dieser," his voice is low and even. He seems to realize his German has slipped out and corrects himself.

"What is the meaning of this," I look at the pretty tile on the floor and study it. Memorizing the pattern of each tile, one looked like a pretty flower and if you squinted you could almost make out a persons face.

Ludwig steps closer slamming the blade on the counter next to me and grabs my wrist, the wrapped one. The one I had cut not five hours before, his grip of steel was not going to let me out of this. I tried in vain to pull my hand into my hoodie and hide it, his grip only got tighter. The pain was delicious but I couldn't let him know that.

"Let me see," he stated in a stoic tone. "How did you hurt your arm?"

"I h-hit i-i-it," I stutter out. "Luddy, that hurts."

"Yet you don't ask me to stop," his grip gets tighter still and the pain is pure bliss for me but crippling as I bend to accommodate for the pressure. "Did you cut your wrist?" His hand lets go abruptly and I pull my hand to my chest and face the cuts towards my body trying in vain to shield them from him.

All I did was entice him. He pulled my arm away from me with minimal effort, sliding the sleeve up my arm and find the makeshift bandage I had created.

He looked at me sternly and pulled at the bandage tape. I winced as he unwrapped the gauze quickly, to quickly for my liking. He threw the offending wrap to the floor for me to retrieve later and stared at the six perfectly straight lines a fourth of an inch apart apiece, still in the tender stage of healing so the lines are pink and puffy like a cat scratch. Soon they will scab and not be noticeable until I go over those same lines and slice my skin to remind me how alive I may be even if I am a clumsy idiot who is only good for a trophy but now that my skin is marred I can't be any good at that anymore either.


	3. Chapter 3

I let him hold my arm. He let his fingers fall, he stared at the lines on my wrist.

His eyes rake over the six small lines and his hand falls to his side. His other hand in turn is shoved so far down in his pants pocket I am afraid he will tear a huge hole in them and I will have to fix them again. His eyes shut tight, his hand pulls out of his pants pocket, and wipes them both on his pant legs. he reaches to the side and picks up the blade. He holds it up to face me.

"This," he says. "This is over. I never want to see this again." He walked over to the trash can and stepped on the lever.

"No. More." He drops the blade into the now open trash can. Ludwig turned on his heal and marched upstairs as the tears form and fall from my eyes. My eyeliner and mascara runs a bit, but I quickly brush it off and back up to the counter. Upon finding the counter I slide down to the floor and pull my knees up to my face and bury my face in my jeans. I listen to Ludwig walking around and picking things up through my sobs that wrack my body. He comes down the stairs and marches to stand in front of me. I hear his bag clatter to the floor and soon a pair of strong arms are hefting me up to a standing position. Now standing I lean back against the counter and cover my face with my hands and sob harder.

With a gentle touch his hands pull my hands from my face and tilts my face to meet his gaze. I look for only a moment before tearing my head to the right out of his caring touches and away from all the comfort I have ever had in this world. Just to show him that I didn't need him, but I do. To show him I can take care of my self, but I can't. To show him that if he leaves I will find other ways to get my fix, and I will.

He quickly pulled his hand away seeing my display. His expression faded into a flash of fear then into pure anger. He forced his hands into fists, presumably to prevent himself from hitting me. He turned on his heal and stooped to grab hold of the strap on his army duffle bag and strode out of the kitchen towards the front door.

The phone on the counter rang beside me, tentatively reaching over I answered with a weary voice.

"H-Hello?"

"Feli," came the harsh German accent of Gilbert. "Where did Ludwig go? West was supposed to be here half an hour ago."

"He-He's coming; I think." I stumble over my words, they sound so alike on the phone, I could always get him to apologize to me. I could always pretend that Ludwig will come back, that he loves me. But that won't happen.

"Feli? Did you hear the awesome me? I asked whats wrong, you sound upset." The worry in his voice sounded very genuine, but it couldn't be. No one cared that much for me. I am just a toy, a thing to own. Not to be cared for. The sobs find their way out again. I cry harder and harder, wanting it to end. Gilbert tried so hard to get me to calm down over the phone soon he promised to come out to the house as soon as he hung up.

The dishwasher still hangs open; the large knife I used earlier to cut up a head of lettuce for my salad at lunch time. I stare at the large knife and spy my reflection, though it is distorted by the shape of the knife. My eyes look dark and heartless. I see my hand reach over and grab the handle pulling it close to me, soon the knife lays across my knees mocking me almost.

The blade shines in the light, making it only that much more enticing. I take the knife in my hand and rock it over and over the six straight lines until I pierce the skin. The pain is amazing, nothing compares.

Headlights shine on the living room wall, I watch the placement of them realizing that a car has pulled in the driveway. I plead with every god I know to have the car back out right away.

I pull the knife away from my arm and put it back in the dishwasher. The door bursts open and with a scream my hiding place is now known to anyone who walked into the house.

"Feli?"

"Feli?"

Two different voices. Though I would know them anywhere. Gilbert makes it to me first, though already albino pale, he pales a bit more and his red eyes go wide with fear.

"Feli, why? Why do this to Ludwig," he asks.

_He isn't worried about me_, I tell myself._ He only wants Ludwig to be happy. He could care less about me._

__His hand reaches for my wrist now openly laying on my lap. His movements are tentative, he kneels down close to me I hear boot clatter around the house as Gil chokes back a sob. His finger carefully wrap around my wrist with my blood squeezing its way between his fingers as the pressure increases as he attempts to stop the bleeding. Silent tears roll down his face.

"Gilbert, she's gone," Ludwig says from the doorway. I let my eyelids shut slowly, Gilbert's grip gets tighter. I feel his tears hit my arm and legs, the tears soaking through the fabric. Ludwig's boots stomp over and his fingers unwrap Gil's one finger at a time; covering his hands in my blood as well.


	4. Chapter 4

Cabinet doors open and shut. Water runs along with my blood, swears are spurted in several languages. I can feel the blood seep into my jeans and onto my thigh, from there to the underside and pool on the cool tile.

A dishrag, sopping wet with water, caressed my bloody wrist with virtually no pain. I open my eyes slowly and turn my head to the right, to the most noise, to see Ludwig leaning over the sink his body wracked with sobs tears fall freely into the sink mixing with the running water from the faucet. I look to my left to see Gilbert trying to reduce the pain as he washed the wound.

"Stop."

My voice startled myself even. Ludwig looked up from the swirling water, Gil looked up from trying to hide his tears; I grabbed his arm, making him stop his attempt at washing my arm. I took the dishrag away and threw it to the stairs where it landed on the third step up. I slowly pulled my feet under me and using Gilbert's shoulder and the counter behind me I stood. Slowly getting used to using my feet again I walk with as much dignity as I can. Clenching my hands to fists I walk to the stairs, blood dripping all the way.

* * *

In the bathroom I scrubbed my arm and wrapped it I left my bedroom with a wet washcloth and wiped up the blood from the hardwood floors. A huge pile could be seen from where I stood at the top of the stairs where I had sat a few minutes ago. Boot prints walk through the blood and then out to the hall, Quickly I run down the stairs, wiping blood the whole time, and find that both brothers had walked in my blood and walked presumably to their car and left. I dropped my cloth and ran to the front door where the trail ends. The streaked prints on the rug tell me that one of them noticed and they wiped their boots off. I picked up the rug and carried it to the laundry room in the basement. Using the sanitize setting on my washer I left it and came back up with a mop and bucket to wash the floors.

* * *

With a jolt to my body I land on the couch after cleaning up more of my blood than I have ever seen or care to see. My eyes, heavy with exhaustion and blood loss, slowly slide close as my mind recounts the events of the day.

Dinner.

Fighting.

Packing.

_Cutting_.

My body slowly shuts down as sleep takes hold of my poor body.

I sit up with a pang of fear resounding through my body, I realize I am in my room, though Ludwig isn't there. I slowly stand and rub the sleep from my eyes and attempt to get a shower in before someone sees me.

I lazily grab what I think is a tank top and a pair of yoga pants, only to return.

"A bra and panties might help," I mumble to myself. I walk to the master bath and lay my clothes on the counter and shut the door. Soon the shower is nice and hot, sauna like. I carefully scrub my wounds and the rest of my body along with my hair.

After drying off I put on my bra and pants only to find that I have two pairs of pants, after brushing my hair and using a few products to insure the silky softness of my hair would stay I leave so the steam can vacate and I can put my hair up.

I walk back to the dresser and pull out a tee shirt and slip it over my head when I hear an argument downstairs.

"You are so dense! Of course we need to be here!"

"But-"

"No. Buts."

"Lovi, yes we need to be here but if you don't be quieter you will wake her up!"

Well that solves who is here but why!

Slowly I pull the shirt over my head and go to the bathroom. I tie the overly large shirt back and tuck the tail into the shirt and add a bit of mascara to make my eyes more vibrant. I tie my hair up in a tall bun so I can clean the house today. I slowly vacate the bathroom and meander my way downstairs. I poke my head around the corner and see that Lovina and Antonio are trying to cook something, presumably breakfast, yet they let it burn instead to make out sitting on my counter. I take that back, Lovina is hovering about an inch above the counter, her legs locked around Antonio's hips and her hands around his neck. Antonio is standing and his hands are locked beneath her butt to keep her off the counter, technically.

I just walk right in on them, since that's what Lovi does to me and- did to me. Ludwig is gone, he left me; he doesn't love me anymore. I choked on my own tears alerting the pair that I was there. They quickly pulled apart and Lovina coughed and pushed Antonio away.

"why did you go and do that, Bastardo," Lovi tries to cover up.

"Why try and cover it Lovi! I know you two! you probably go at it like bunnies at night! I'm surprised that you two haven't popped three or four out yet! Gesù," I snapped, it was a little more that I wanted but I think my point was across.


	5. Chapter 5

Three months have passed since Ludwig left me, I still don't know if he left for work or because he hates me but he's still gone.

The hole in my heart is still there and not leaving anytime soon.

Lovina and Antonio come over to help me clean and cook, like I need the reminder that the world is still working without my Luddy beside me!

Lovina showed up about an hour ago to tell me that she needed to stay, something about a fight with "tomato." Why she's having fights with objects is beyond me anymore, usually its me fighting with inanimate objects. I needed to have some space so I went to ou- my bedroom. I ended up in the bathroom with the door shut, blood slowly pulsing out of my body through my wrist. _Only one line,_ I promised myself. _Just one._

_Knock Knock._

"Feli? Are you okay," Lovina asked me.

_Merda! She was supposed to be asleep,_ I screamed in my head. "Lovi~ I'm fine, let me use the potty and I will be out," I called cheerfully, but clearly unconvinced.

"Bullshit. I'm coming in," the door flew open and I, sitting on the toilet, was pinned. I did the only thing I could think of.

I lashed out at my sister.

_Mia sorella!_

She yelped as the small blade caught her finger as she reached out for the blade to take it from me.

Now both of our blood has been spilled, and now mixes on the floor. She pulled back and examines her finger. The tip of her middle finger was slashed from the left to the right down to the first joint before stopping, she stared wide eyed at me as I let the blade fall. I covered my wrist and washed it off clotting the blood.

I reached out with my left hand and grabbed her wrist, pulling her hand under the ice cold water I had used. She pulled away from the water but I pulled back soon she dealt with the cold.

I mutter apologies under my breath as I massage her finger not worrying about the blood now pulsing into the sink from my own arm. Lovina tries to pull away as it runs down my fingers and onto her own. I rummage around in the drawer next to me while maintaining control of her hand, Ludwig's training didn't go unnoticed and Lovina knew I was strong. She watched with wide emerald eyes as the needle and thread was retrieved from the drawer.

"Feliciana! A hospital would be good right about now," Lovina shrieked.

"Shut up, no hospital. Ludwig has sliced fingers open all the time," I said with an air of coolness and nonchalance. "Now hold still or this will hurt more."

She stood still like a statue and gritted her teeth as she watched me thread the needle and begin to stitch her finger together again. I slowly but surely closed the gap, watching Lovina I tied the thread into a knot and cut the rest off. My hand let go of her hand and she pulled it to herself quickly, afraid I would stick her with the needle again. With a muttered thank you she bolted from the room and I heard her run down the stairs.

"Good riddance," I mutter be thoroughly done with her constant and bothersome hovering. I picked up the discarded knife and shut the bathroom door, locking it.

* * *

Wrapping the Ace bandage tightly around my wrist I relish the burn of a good squeeze on fresh wounds, as I walk down the stairs I let it bounce on the banister. At the foot of the stairs I can feel it pulsing and smile. That should be a nice wound to last me a week or two, I gracefully walk to the kitchen, take a sharp right and open the cupboard above my head and pull down a mug. I move down a few feet to the stove and start a kettle of water, taking my mug with me I spin around and take a step before running into a large chest. Jumping back I manage not drop the mug and set it none to carefully on the counter behind me.

"Feliciana, why do you do this," the voice I have longed to hear and thought had left me forever asked- no pleaded with me.

"I-I-I" was all I could stammer, Lovina and Antonio had left a few weeks ago, Lovina's hand had healed fine with virtually no scar. But Ludwig? He left me, he didn't want me.

I turn to the counter and lean both hands on it. I feel the cool marble under my fingers and the heat radiating from the stove mere inches away from me. Gentle hands run up and down my back, they are large and calloused in all the right places. They are so soft and forgiving, now they kneed my back and rid it of the knots I have previously thought permanent. With my resolve, of not to give into his caresses and loving gestures, quickly fading with every roll of his thumbs into my shoulder blades I pull away. I know what he is doing, he is pulling me to his will, he will be nice, kind, loving then suddenly he will stop and become the ruthless man I know he can be. He yells so loud he could wake the dead, he is so persuasive when he mad he could convince the middle east to stop fighting forever by just yelling 'stop' there is no end to his malice when needed.

"You don't want me" I yell after turning on him. His hands fly away and he holds them up by his shoulders and takes a step back. I let my words sink in a bit before continuing.

"You ridiculed me, you never showed compassion when I needed it. And when you finally found out, what do you do? LEAVE! YOU LEAVE ME!" I scream and slide to the floor in a heap. I cover my eyes with the heals of my hands, sobbing. He kneels down his left knee just between my two feet clad in nothing except a bright green polish to match my fingers. His right hand finds my right shoulder and he rubs careful circles with his thumb in my shoulder and mummers something I can't register, not that I would care. He left me. He doesn't want me.

Damn, I need a blade. I would do it right here, show him how much he hurt me. I slowly remove my hands from face and wrap my right hand around my wrist. I look up into Ludwig's sky blue eyes clouded over with sadness and now confusion. I hold my eyes on his, and then squeeze my hand, the sting is minimal, barely anything, but the effect it had was huge.

His eyes flitted for a second to my wrist then back to my eyes with a now pleading look, begging me to stop hurting myself. I let go of my wrist and slid my fingers around the wrap until I found the end and pulled at it. Again his eyes flitted, but stayed longer and went back for a double and triple check on what I was doing. I slowly unwrapped it and that did it, he pulled his hand from my shoulder and his left from the floor, his right knee slammed into the tile on the other side of my right foot and he grabbed my hands. Holding my wrist in a firm yet non harming grip he replaced the wrap with my hand no matter how hard I pulled.

I cried harder, I was trying to show him how much I hurt. How much he hurt me. He couldn't even look at the bandage, what made me think he would be okay with looking at the six little lines.


	6. Chapter 6

Eight months have passed and the military set up a new pattern, a schedule. He spends two weeks with me; meaning he sits in his study and only emerges at the use of the bathroom across the hall or down the hall to the kitchen, to grab something to eat and retreat to his study and then later dishes will appear on the counter. For one month, a blissful thirty-one days, he is out training troops with Gilbert. That's when he thought it would be nice if my peace and quiet could be interrupted. For sixteen days of the month Lovina, now ready to pull a child out of the oven any day, and Antonio come and pack my house up. Every other day I am forced to find my study and hide from my sister and her mood swings. She packs the little things, trinkets and such, into boxes and Antonio carries them out to the truck in the driveway. Seeing as she is pregnant she craves for the weirdest things and being that the kid most likely isn't Antonio's it's a given that she will want the craziest of things.

She and Antonio had a small fight where she left for the bar. Next thing she swears happened was she ordered a shot and woke up with Kiku. She came running home like a little child from a fight with a bully. She pulled the "I was drunk off my ass" card and Antonio forgave her though I can't wait to watch the fight that will ensue when she pops out a little Asian baby. Though he may kick her out; that would mean the rest of us would go but I doubt it, he will love that thing till he dies.

* * *

I have been moved into Lovina's house now, it is much bigger and offers more places to hide. Sooner than later I emerge from a hiding place and run to the bathroom or the kitchen. Lovina is all caught up in her new child, her Asian baby girl to be exact. Antonio left us for a few days but is back now and loves her to death; Danny, the baby, loves the attention. She loves to be carried and carted anywhere. She is very fond of me and my hair and loves to pull it harshly. Lovina is skittish to leave her with me though, afraid I will hurt her, which I will not.

I love Danny to death, though I haven't held her in a few days with my newest repeat on my lines. Ludwig still hasn't showed any interest to making me stop so he must not care about me. Lovina sees though. She sees everything, she has a child she has to, but to keep an eye on me is a little more than what she should be concerned with right now.

Prussia has been released seeing as his part of training is over so he and Maddie hide out in far and vacant corners of the house, God knows what they do to each other but the heated glances they give tell the whole story. Ludwig seems up to really anything when he walks in the door, his eyes light up with passion and lust when he first sees me, but by the time he decides to do anything about it I've gone to bed or he hides and plays by himself.

* * *

Walking down the hall I realize its only ten but the house is almost silent. Walking past Lovina and Antonio's room is quite except for a hushed murmur that stills at the noise of my footsteps. I peek in at Danny to see the child throwing her arms around but sleeping well. I continue my quest to my room and across the hall is Gilbert and Matthew's room filled with muffled moans and groans, _'gagged'_ my mind supplies as I barely stop to process the sound I turn to our room and find the door shut tight. I hear the sheets rustle a bit and decide to go in. I look to the bed mere five feet from where I stand in the doorway, Ludwig is naked on the bed; his hands in his crotch viciously one rubbing sliding up and down faster and faster the other practically ripping his balls off he is tugging them so much. He looks up and sees my face but can't quite stop, hitting his peak moments later and splattering his seed across the bed and his chest. His breath is in big gulps as he tries to cover up his embarrassment his face red, though I can't tell if it is from my walking in or just the exertion of his activity.

I turn and hurry from the room, I make it back downstairs to the living room before he catches up with me.

"Feli!" He says in quiet urgency, "Feli! Come back!"

"What!" I snapped,"What do you need with me? You can do it all by yourself it seems you have that down pretty well!" His jaw opens and closes before he just hangs his head.

"I didn't know you were up to that yet," he states in a low voice.

"You always do this!" I keep my voice down but I let the anger seep in. "You come home look at me like I am hot stuff then hide and finish off." With one more "mother look" as Lovina calls it, he stands down and realizes his mistakes. I continue from the middle of the room to the couch where I pull the blanket from the back and pile the pillows up on one end. I sit on the couch and pull the blanket around me, Ludwig's eyes plead me not to and I continue to glare at him. I lay my head on the pillows and pull my feet up under me and roll over facing the back of the couch.

My eyes close as tears escape, I hear his big feet pad across the floor and the couch dip as his crawls in behind me. I scoot closer to the back leaving ample room for him. His breathing is steady and soon I fall to sleep as he pulls my waist and we sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

_~Lovina's point of view~_

I pushed my sleeves up and grimaced, I hadn't put concealer on this morning. I still needed to wash the dishes, if I put my hands in far enough no one would see all the lines up to my elbows. No one could see the past I had scraped into my arms. I plunged my hands into the steaming water and knew it was turning my arms red, _Maybe they won't see the lines with my skin red._

"Lovina~," Feli called- no slurred. She had left the kitchen only twenty minutes before and claimed she was only going to have a few mixed drinks. I walked into the living room pushing my sleeves down to cover my arms.

"Feli? What-" I started to ask what was wrong but when I rounded the corner I knew she couldn't tell me. She held up the empty Captain Morgan bottle she smuggled out of the kitchen a few minutes ago with another sitting on the coffee table before her.

"I need a new bottle Lovi~!" I rushed past her and up to her room running past my room and my daughter's. I pounded my fist against the door fast and soon Ludwig opened up and I missed the door and hit his chest.

"Yes?"

"Feli. She's drunk come help me."

We rushed back down to find her laying on her back with her hands in the air a bottle busted against the floor and she was currently slicing her wrist with a shard of the bottle, blood ran in rivets down her arm.

"Luddy~" she coos, "Come drink with me!"

Ludwig works fast and scoops his lover up bridal style and set her on the counter in the kitchen, I follow and quickly drain my dishwater and pull her arm under the running water. She fakes a wince and I see how she fakes her attempts to get away when all she does is force me to hold her arm more, creating pain. Ludwig holds her and brushes her hair back out of her eyes. I hurry off the the bathroom and get the alcohol, gauze and tape. I pull her arm back over the sink as Ludwig whispers in her ear.

"Feli, I'm going to pour alcohol on your cuts now okay?" She pulls away roughly and grits her teeth, a ruse for Ludwig. "Feli, you like the pain just give me your hand its not hard to see," I snap. Ludwig looks at me skeptical as usual about me seeing something in Feli that he doesn't.

I pour the liquid on her wrist and her eyes shut in bliss not even trying to hide it from the German before her. I rinsed her wrist and quickly wrapped it in gauze and tape.

Feli takes her hand from my hold and lays it on Ludwig's cheek. Her thumb moves in soothing circles every little bit his skin is suddenly glossy, it hits me, _He's crying, He's never seen someone cut before._

"W-Why?" His words are cut short by sobs. "Why do you do this?"

This seems to throw her, she stops and thinks then with tears and sobs all her own, "You left me."

_You left me._ He didn't leave her, per say. He left the house on a trip, to train troops, not some long term booty call! Just then all hell broke loose.

"Your never here!" she yells, "Both of you! Lovi is always with Danny or Tonio or her stupid Mafia! And you! You are out throwing cash for some hooker shove her lady parts in your face!" She hops off the counter and stumbles for the main exit of the kitchen. Ludwig beats her there.

"I am out on duty, Feli. It comes with being a major, I'm sorry. I won't be leaving for three months until then I am all yours."Ludwig tries to reason with the drunken woman. He looks at me pleading for me to fix his fiance.

"Feliciana," I speak up. "I won't leave. I can run the mafia from here. It won't take much I will only have to work for about an hour a day, that's okay isn't it?"

She gives a feeble nod and then starts all over. "Even when we were little you were never home!"

"I will stop you right there. There is no need for you to go there. We needed the money." I snapped, I knew it would only make this situation worse but she didn't need to know what happened. No one else knows.

She turns to me, "Need money?"

"Right after _Nonno_ died I had to find a high paying job, well I found one but I could only work nights so I took it. It only paid in cash though. That was our grocery money. When it came to your dress for Prom I had work extra."

She didn't need to know that I worked the strip club for years and earned a reputation as the "Lovely Lady" and to pay for the prom dress... well that was better left in Pandora's Box as far as I was concerned.

"Where?"

She couldn't leave anything alone could she? "The..."

"Say it!" Ludwig's sudden outburst startled me, though his pleading eyes scared me.

"The strip club, have you heard of 'Lovely Lady'?" I inquired, they nodded. Dammit this was going to be harder than I thought. I let my eyes slide close and I pressed my lips to a tight line and pulled away from the counter I was leaning on I used my left hand to point to myself. I looked right in Ludwig's eyes, knowing for a fact he had been the driver for Gilbert, his brother when he came to watch my best friend, Maddie his girlfriend. Ludwig would quietly sit and watch my routines no matter who saw him. With my hair pinned back and skimpy outfits it was hard to tell who was who sometimes. He even had his brother pay for a few lap dances to which I gladly accepted, more money, and the welcoming fact that I knew he wouldn't hurt me. It was hard being a nineteen year old virgin stripper but I made it work. His eyes lit up with recognition and I hung my head. My actions pleading him not to say anything to Feliciana, his wife to be. All the deep kisses and sweet caresses meant nothing now. They never did.

"You? That was you!" I slowly nodded and looked her in the eyes. "The prom dress, how..."

"You don't need to know that. It was the biggest mistake of my life."

She is fuming now, that I won't tell her. "Oh and running away from your boyfriend to a bar to get drunk and have sex with a supposed stranger is okay?"

"Listen that was a mistake, Tonio and I were at a rough patch in our relationship!" Yelling wasn't going to fix anything but it made me feel much better.

"So having sex with Kiku was supposed to make things better!"

No all it had done was screw up my relationship more. I shook my head, "No but it was in a drunken rage, and Tonio and I have gotten over it! So stop bringing it back up. At least you haven't messed up this much!"

"At least you can have children!" She screams then breaks down. crumpling to the floor she and Ludwig sit there for a while. Finally I speak up.

"It was one month from Prom and I had just promised you I would get you a one of a kind prom dress for your senior year." Feli stops her mini melt down at my words and I continue.

"I sold it, Feliciana." She looked at me in disbelief, "I sold my body for that prom dress, I sold my Virginity for that dress, damn you looked good in it. I knew when you didn't come home that you lost yours because of the dress at the hands of Ludwig, but I couldn't have wished for it any other way. At least your lover was able to take you first." I let my head hang and she looks from me to Ludwig. A new batch of tears started, but I cut them off.

"I was given twenty grand for my virginity, the man said it was double the price of a dress there was enough for a dress and then some left over for myself.

"Four years ago I had called Roderich, and asked if he would make you the dress. He agreed said we should meet and talk about it. He offered me dinner. He said that Veta and Gil were going drinking and that we would have the house to ourselves, you had called and said you and Ludwig were going to a movie so I agreed, knowing you would be fed by Ludwig.

"He said dress nicely, a mini skirt and a thin white blouse would do. He asked me to come over around six, I wouldn't have time to change from my lingerie to a regular pair so I left it and my work tussled hair and sexy makeup just stayed, why take it off and redo it? It was only dinner I told myself.

"Dinner was a light helping of steak and mashed potatoes. He then asked me to his sitting room, we could talk and he had more space to take rough measurements." Feliciana gasped and Ludwig's eyes were as big as the dinner plates I ate off of four years ago.

"Are you finally piecing it together Feli?" Her delicate little hands formed fists and pounded against Ludwig's chest

"Liar! It's all Lies!" she says over and over again. As I continue my story.

"He led me into the next room, the sitting room and sat next to me on the love seat, we talked lengths of the dress and shades of blue. He said he thought it should end right above the knee where he placed his hand-"

"Lies!"

"I thought nothing of it though it slowly slid up twice each time I placed it back on his knee soon his fingers stuck under the hem of my skirt and a little alarmed I pulled my legs away and leaned back against the arm he then crawled on top of me. With skilled fingers he pulled my blouse off and threw it to a corner and began suckling on my neck, my bra found a new corner of the room and so did my skirt and panties his clothes were shed just as fast he leaned in close as he prepared me and whispered in my ear, 'as much as I want to take you now, I need permission Lovi' then he entered me."

Feli gasps and covers her ears Ludwig pulled her close and sat on the floor with her.

I took my sweatshirt off revealing a white tank top and bright pink bra very visible through the tank top, but the only thing they saw were the lines on both arms up to my elbows some long some short; most go left and right but a few on each arm go wrist to elbow in times of great need for release. I fall to my knees knowing that there is no way she will remember all anything that happened and tears fall down my face at the realization that I have just spilled all my secrets to my sister who won't remember anything and Ludwig, who had a mild thing for me when I danced. I feel Feli's finger trace over my arms and I let my head fall forward so they can't see the tears that are begging to fall to their deaths, lucky bastards.

Feli's fingers stop rubbing my arms and reach up to brush my tears away. I grab her wrist, her injured wrist. She hisses in mock pain.

"Oh shut it, I know you love the pain. The way the blood flows from your wrist its an amazing feeling, as you can tell I know. I see the way you hit it on things, the pain is delicious, it keeps you thinking that you mean something. Let me show you something." I stand and pull Feli up along behind me and make my way to the knife block and pull out the biggest knife, the Chef's knife and lay it on the counter. I see Feliciana's eyes sparkle at the thought of what delicious pain it might inflict. I pick the knife up and let it lay on one of the long scars from my wrist almost to my elbow.

"This knife made this line with a few nudges in the right direction I got it to cut this line. Now I will not miss lead you. At the time it was the best decision I had ever made, I could hit anywhere on my arm and have a little pain reasons for the next few on both arms. Now I know what your thinking, No you may not have this knife, no you may not try it, no you may not cut anymore. This is it. I won't let you end up like me, please, stop. I know six little lines isn't bad, but soon it will escalate to more and more soon you look like me. I am begging you to stop."

Her eyes glazed over as she reached for the knife to take it from my hand, I let her. I see Ludwig get up and start towards us, I shoot him a look and he stays back, still eyeing the knife his love holds, her life hanging in the balance; either she gives up and deals with withdrawl symptoms or she continues and looks like I do or even worse, she dies.

She lays the knife on her arm just above her six little lines with the point of the knife almost piercing the skin of her elbow, she rocks the knife and I close my eyes, praying she stops soon she pulls from my grasp I slowly open my eyes hearing no gasps, and watch as she slowly slides the knife into the block.

"No more."


End file.
